25 Unreasonable Anxieties I’ve Had Since Birth

1. The heavy, gilded mirror that hangs on the living room wall will unexpectedly fall off and crush me, or her, or us both together at the same time. No one would find us for hours, and when they do, they’ll have to deal with the double tragedy of having to announce to family and friends that it was death by mirror, which is hugely embarrassing.
2. Likewise to the hanging plant above the bed. Important to note that said plant is plastic, and is unlikely to crush anyone. Please don’t tell anyone I own plastic plants.
3. A mysterious tumbleweed of cat fur that lurks unseen somewhere in the house will float into my baby’s open mouth while she sleeps and suffocate her.
4. As above, with foam ear plugs.
5. Her dummy causing dental problems to such a degree that she grows up looking like an extra on Deliverance.
6. Julian falling asleep in the feeding chair whilst holding her during a late night feed, and her rolling out of his arms, up and over the pillow, down his legs, and onto the floor like the proverbial meatball. (And then dying, obviously.) 
7. My baby’s constant sneezing being a clue that it is fact she who is the COVID superspreader. Being embarrassed for her blatant disregard for community safety. Turning my baby in to the police. Sending my baby money to buy milk in jail.
8. Calling her ‘noodle’ instead of her name so often that she becomes confused that her name is in fact Noodle, and making the difficult but necessary decision to call her Noodle for the rest of her life.
9. Having the volume too high when watching a film so that if someone sneaks in through her bedroom window to steal her, we can’t her them stealing.
10. Someone, perhaps the same person from the Loud Movie scenario above (sneaky fucker) stealing her while I take a sip from the park’s water fountain and have my back turned on the pram.
11. Wearing slippery socks.
12. Lopping off a finger while trimming her nails.
13. That she causes irreparable damage to her cornea with her surprisingly long, untrimmed nails (see above).
14. My child seeing me as a pathetic, world-weary mother archetype because of the amount of times I listen to Charlene’s ‘I’ve Never Been To Me’ each day.
15. THE FONTANELLE. Fuck.
16. Not doing her seatbelt up properly and having her fly out the window at a sharp turn, despite the car window always, always being closed.
17. Dropping her in the toilet.
18. The cats suffocating her in her sleep like murderous, jealous siblings.
19. Fainting and letting go of the pram on the steep hill, only to recover in time to watch the pram roll into oncoming traffic in slow motion with tragic orchestral music playing in the background.
20. Losing her in the bed. This is a recurring nightmare that visits me every night, and consists of me flinging bed sheets and pillows around in hysterics, screaming, “I’ve lost her! I’ve lost her!” In the bed. In a 70″ x 80″ rectangle. Sigh.

FIN.